The Silmarillion Simplified
by Taffia
Summary: Ever get confused with all those names and places and more names and more places with more names? If you still don't understand the Silmarillion after this, I cannot help you. (for humour...no insult to the beauty of the original intended)
1. Ainulindalë

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The Silmarillion (Simplified)

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Disclaimer: It's the Silmarillion. It and everything mentioned herein are property of J.R.R. Tolkien. Any half-wit knows that.

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Ainulindalë

(For those not blessed with the knowledge of the language of the elves, it's 'The Music of the Holy Ones'…poor unenlightened humans that you be…)

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Ainur

::sing sing sing::

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Ilúvatar

Oooh…pretty, pretty music!

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Ainur

::sing sing sing::

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Ilúvatar

But, um, is that all you do?

::pokes head::

You listening in there?

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Ainur

::sing sing sing::

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Ilúvatar

A…ha.

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Ainur

::sing sing sing::

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Ilúvatar

Yes, it's pretty! Very pretty! But, here. I want you to sing _this._

::telepathic communication::

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Ainur

Ooooh. Okay.

::sing sing sing and stuff actually _happens_::

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Ilúvatar

Yay! Pretty, pretty world! I'll call it Eä--funky accent mark included for linguistic effect. Hmm, but, Melkor? Did you hit a sour note or something? I knew those voice lessons for you would have been a good idea.

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Melkor

::cough::That'sbecausemyversionisbetterthanyours::cough:: 

Er…sorry.

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Ilúvatar

No matter. Look, Ulmo! Melkor's mess-up makes your water do other things than just…be there! That's snow, and those are clouds. Oh! Look at the misty bits! Pretty, pretty!

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Ulmo

Dude! I'm gonna have to tell Manwë about this!

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Manwë

Can we live there? Can we? Can we?

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Ilúvatar

Not all of you. I'd still like to hear pretty, pretty music, but the greatest of you may. The rest need voice lessons anyhow. I don't need them scaring off my Firstborn whose own melodies are to be surpassing sweet.

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Valar

Yay!

::toddle down to Arda and take on forms that would make even the elves jealous::


	2. Valaquenta

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Valaquenta

('The History of the Valar', oh lowly mortal)

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Manwë

Oh, Vaaaaarda! I'm the strongest here. And the smartest. And the one in charge. You know all there is about Eä and have the looks to leave damn sexy elves in the dust. Come and live with me.

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Varda

Where? And what's an elf?

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Manwë

We'd live way, way, way up where the snow stuff never melts on Oily Aussie…er…Olivio…uh…damn it all--up there.

::points to Taniquetil/Oiolossë::

Elves are…hell if I know. I think they're supposed to be the Firstborn.

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Varda

Oh. Okay then.

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Ulmo

::sigh::

Lonely is me, but that's okay. I know it's a little much to ask of my peers that they get their feet wet just to visit me down here in my bottomless waters. Maybe if I didn't look so much like that Neptune guy, others wouldn't be so scared of me. And being the bass of the choir ain't all beer and Skittles, either.

…Wait. Who's Neptune?

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Aulë

Wee! Dirt! And rocks! Let's build something!

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Yavanna

That's nice, dear. Shouldn't we be seeing to the atmosphere, though? I fear it might not yet contain enough oxygen for the Firstborn when they arrive.

::sings forth a forest here, a meadow there::

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Aulë

Fuel for smithies!

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Yavanna

Don't even think about it.

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Aulë

Drat.

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Mandos

I get to watch over the halls of the dead? You mean I have to put up with Fëanor whenever he--oops. Manwë's giving me that look again.

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Vairë

::looks up from her weaving::

What look?

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Mandos

The one that says 'Shut up, now, or I'll tell Daddy and he'll stick you in the Void for a month.'

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Vairë

Dropping hints of the future where unsuspecting readers can find them?

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Mandos

…Not intentionally. Besides, it's the Children that I'm not supposed to tell. Tolkien has his foreshadowing moments enough as it is.

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Irmo

My garden is soooo pretty. I think I'll call it Lórien.

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Estë

::wakes up momentarily::

Isn't that a forest?

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Irmo

Not yet. Hush, or I'll give you nightmares for an age.

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Olórin the Maia

Aww…you're mean, Irmo. Thou needs must have pity and compassion for others always. Threats are bad. Nighmares are icky. The wisest of the Maia says so.

Hmm…boring. Oh! I know, I know! I'll go visit Nienna!

::prances off::

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Nienna

::cries::

Melkor ruined Arda!

::more crying::

I know he's going to keep at it!

::sniff::

I think I'll go visit Mandos…his place is melancholy enough for my current mood. Wait…I'm always like this.

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Tulkas

::cracks knuckles::

Think Manwë would mind if I riddle this here mountain with caves?

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Nessa

The mountains are fine the way they are, dear. If they were supposed to have caves, they'd have been sung into being. Keep your fists to yourself.

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Tulkas

That's no fun. Hmm…care to race again?

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Nessa

You lose every time.

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Tulkas

Not this time, I won't.

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Nessa

I've heard that one before. Oh, look! There's goes a deer!

::runs::

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Tulkas

Where?

::looks around::

::sees no deer::

Gah! My stamina will outlast yours!

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Nessa

Go tell it to Eru, punk.

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Oromë

::blows upon the Valaróma::

Tally ho! Come, Nahar, my loyal steed! The hunt awaits us!

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Vána

Look out!

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Oromë

What?

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Vána

You nearly trampled the flowers! I'm telling Yavanna!

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Oromë

But…the hunt! How will we eat without the hunt? Sacrifices must be made, dearest spouse of mine.

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Vána

We're VALAR, _only _spouse of mine. We don't need to eat.

::tends to the flowers::

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Oromë

But…the hunt!

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Melian the Maia

::helps with the flowers::

Sacrifices must be made.

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Oromë

…That was harsh.

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Melian

You said it yourself. Keep quiet.

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Oromë

Why should I listen to a servant of the Valar?

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Melian

Because I happen to be a _wise_ servant of the Valar.

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Oromë

Fair enough.

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Melkor

::plotplot, simmersimmer::Middle-earthwillbemine::hatehate, jealousjealous::

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Sauron the Maia

Patience, massa. Patience. Sheesh, you're almost as bad as Aulë.


	3. Quenta Silmarillion: Of the Beginning of...

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Quenta Silmarillion

(The History of the Silmarils…you'll notice a pattern before too long)

Of the Beginning of Days

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Illuin

::shine shine shine::

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Ormal

::shine shine shine::

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Yavanna

There. That's the last of it. Green, growing things galore! And lamps to see by! Eru knows I was sick and tired of Tulkas tramping over my daisies. I don't care if he was going after Melkor--they were _my_ daisies!

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Melian

They'll grow back, I'm sure…regardless of their…charred trampledness.

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Yavanna

Humph.

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Manwë

Hey, everyone! I know you've all been working really hard lately--

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Aulë

That's putting it lightly.

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Tulkas

Aye…and then some.

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Manwë

Quiet. I'm talking. Yeah, so, anyway. Party at my place!

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Sauron

I'll bring the beer! Hey, and isn't there a match between the Worgs and the Istari on tonight?

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Aulë

Dearest Maia mine, whatever are you talking about?

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Sauron

Uh…I'm bringing the beer?

::mutters::damnedforeshadowingknowledgeMelkorgaveme::more muttering::

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Manwë

Right! Let's feast, drink and carouse and completely forget that one of us has turned to the Dark Side!

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Varda

Dearest, that was so unoriginal.

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Manwë

Tolkien outdates Lucas by a couple of decades. It's all good.

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Nessa

::starts dancing on the grass of Almaren::

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Tulkas

Damn…she can dance _and_ out-run me…oh, Oromë?

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Oromë

::hic:: What?

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Tulkas

You wouldn't mind if I….

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Oromë

::glances at Nessa::

Hurt her and I'll kill you.

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Tulkas

Sweet!

::espouses Nessa (…Tolkien was discreet, wasn't he?)::

Oh yeah. That was good. Tired now.

::snore::

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Nessa

Heh…whose stamina outlasts whose?

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Melkor

Ha! Tulkas now sleeps and Aulë is drunk off his feet. Now's my chance to build a really big fortress in a really handy location where the view doesn't matter, but it'll come in handy because the Valar are stupid and won't look for all the passages and chambers if they ever storm it. And that's way too much foreshadowing. It's getting named Utumno, though.

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Sauron

Sounds good, boss.

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Melkor

Where the hell did you come from?

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Sauron

I just come and go. Remember? I'm a spy of yours along with a bunch of other Maia that never seem to have names for one reason or another. Not like a few _more_ names in this story would make much of a difference….

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Melkor

Aha. Just…stay close to me from now on, okay? Foreshadowing says so. That, and most of the people who know of us learn things backwards. The damned Third Age always comes first, y'know.

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Sauron

Right, boss.

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Melkor

Army of Darkness! Attack the Valar! RAR!!!

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Army of Darkness

::cough::

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Melkor

…

::clears throat::

Attack the Valar!

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Random Worg

Are you NUTS? You're going to need us later for your five great wars or whatever. Going against the Valar is suicide!

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Melkor

Fair enough. Attack the lamps, then! And do your utmost to piss Aulë off. Just because.

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Army of Darkness

::breaks the lamps, brings about darkness, and tramples all the pretty flowers::

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Manwë

MELKOR, THOU ART A FOOL! HOW DARE THEE ATTEMPT TO PROFANE ARDA! AAAAAAAAaaa::cough hack wheeze::

Man, that's hard on the vocal chords.

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Tulkas

Huh? What? Hey, who turned out the lights?

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Nessa

Melkor, dear. You know. The evil one.

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Tulkas

Ah! Then I shall catch him and punch caves in HIM since the mountain had to be left as it was!

::runs off::

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Melkor

Teehee! They can't find me!

::giggles::

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Manwë

::sigh::

We must move. Our home upon Middle-earth is now destroyed. Aman is as good a locale as any. Come, my brethren! The West awaits us!

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Valar

::mourn and follow::

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Manwë

I want to live on mountains, though…and they'll work for protection against Melkor. That…and I just want to live on the tallest mountain.

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Varda

Again?

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Manwë

Yes.

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Varda

Why?

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Manwë

'Tis but an attempt to preserve my ego.

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Varda

::sigh::

Very well. Wait…haven't we been through this before?

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Manwë

I was wondering when you were going to catch on. Yes. We have. Tolkien is just reiterating and going into more detail. We're still just living on Oily Aussie.

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Varda

Aha.

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Aulë

Let's build something!!!

::starts constructing the city of Valinor::

::an unknown amount of time passes::

::finishes constructing the city of Valinor::

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Valar

Pretty, pretty city! Yay! It's even prettier than Middle-earth!

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Yavanna

Oooh! Random green hill with a really big name that's translated into three more languages before you learn that all I do is hallow and sit on it and sing!

::does that::

::two Trees grow::

The dark green and silver one shall be called…Telperion. And the light green and gold shall be…Laurelin. Those names sound simple enough in comparison with the other four granted them where a certain author [who shall remain nameless] obviously had too much time on his hands because those other four names are in languages that don't even exist yet as far as I'm concerned.

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Manwë

Mind your foreshadowing!

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Yavanna

Go stuff it. I just spent days upon days making these trees grow and you're yelling at me about random languages? That's not half as bad as what I_ could_ be rambling about, you know.

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Varda

I feel your pain. He started bitching at me when I made the stars and had this long talk with Nienna about the Firstborn and whatnot.

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Yavanna

Isn't that always the way of it. Men stick themselves in charge and completely forget that their significant others actually know what they're doing. I'm just grateful that Tolkien had more tact with this book. It's not like when he's going on and on about the Third Age for about a thousand pages and only _three _women play any significant role.

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Varda

Indeed! See, when Nienna told me that, she started crying like mad! Personally, I don't blame her. I mean, when I heard about the whole ordeal with Arwen, that was the last straw. She's supposed to marry the king to end all kings and only shows up in the tale in passing? The nerve!

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Manwë

That's quite enough, ladies!

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Yavanna

Prick.

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Varda

Just be glad he didn't espouse you.

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Yavanna

I don't want to hear it. Mine is just as bad. The stories I could tell you….

::continued chatter::

But that's all beside the point. Currently, I have a date with a forest in Middle-earth that Melkor sort of burnt all nice and crispy. Remind me to tell you the rest later.

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Oromë

I'll come with you! Those fell beasts of Melkor's must not be allowed to endure when the Firstborn arrive! That, and they ::cough:: trample the flowers.

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Yavanna

Heh. Fair enough.

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Ilúvatar

Behold I love the Earth, which shall be a mansion for the Quendi and the Atani! But the Quendi shall be the fairest of all earthly creatures, and they shall have and shall conceive and bring forth more beauty than all my Children; and they shall have the greater bliss in this world. But to the Atani I give a new gift.

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Valar

…

That was _completely_ random.

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Ilúvatar

You expected something else out of me? I've been lulled into such sweet thoughts by the pretty, pretty music I have here. Those voice lessons really helped the other Ainur. You should hear them some time.

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Valar

…

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Ilúvatar

Anyway, what I meant to say was that the Quendi shall be dead-sexy and the Atani not quite as such (though, every now and again you'll encounter a real gem…probably not until the Third Age, however. Wait…Beren ain't going to be that bad….). Although, the Atani are going to have this gift, see, that when they die they go out and beyond the confines of the world. That, and they'll die a lot sooner with no hope of being reincarnated! Isn't it great?!

::beams::

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Mandos

Man…I know you're the big guy of big guys…but you're going to have problems with that one.

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Melkor

::snerk::

Oooooh, yes, he will.

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Sauron

How so, boss?

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Melkor

Hush. I haven't thought that far ahead, yet. I'm still dwelling on the End of Days when I can try to pick on the Firstborn…wherever they'll be, then.


End file.
